Research has lead to the discovery of the heaviest element
yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv),
has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons,
and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass
of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called
morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has
no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected
because it impedes every action with which it comes into
contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that
would normally take less than a second to take from four
days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal
half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase
over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons
to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of
moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium, an element that radiates just as much
energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but
twice as many morons.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his stretch limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

He asked one of the men, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have no choice. We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree'

'Bring them along' the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretch limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!
 

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Kinston , North Carolina . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly o bserving. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I''m gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I''ll miss you."


My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she''s wrong.
Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where''s the car?" She replied, "In the lake."
Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn''t notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven''t spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don''t like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don''t know son, I''m still paying."


Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn''t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.


Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, then it was too late.

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I''ve found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

I married Miss Right. I just didn''t know her first name was Always.

It''s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."

Just think, if it weren''t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father,
I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I''m half dead."

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They''ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute

First guy (proudly): "My wife''s an angel!"
Second guy: "You''re lucky, mine''s still alive.

The most effective way to remember your wife''s birthday is to forget it once.

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the Cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What The hell happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear Bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.